there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
You had me at "let me see your balls"
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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