Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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