dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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