I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
