Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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