Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Randomize