I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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