Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
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