I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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