I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
