Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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