its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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