I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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