yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
