god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I want to have your abortion
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
