He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
