Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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