i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
