I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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