I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
