4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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