we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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