ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
