she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
