I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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