I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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