Need sex. Gaining weight.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
We don't watch enough power rangers
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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