The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
