matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Less talking, more tequila
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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