The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
