I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
