My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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