guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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