Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
