i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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