Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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