Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
