Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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