Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
