my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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