I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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