I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
