my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
