If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
