I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
