Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
my sisters under your porch take her home
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
