The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
no you cant smoke seaweed
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
