When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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