I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
