my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Is Oprah even human
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
