I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
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