We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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