Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
