so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
