first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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