if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
