Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
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