My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
